Keeping score

Does anyone feel better when they keep score?

In the blur of today’s semi-militant, take no prisoners approach to religion, it might be prudent (if anyone knows what that word means now) to reconsider what was once a popular Bible verse.

It would, in the 2020s, be considered far too “woke” so you won’t hear it much in most current Christian circles. Consider how this verse tracks with modern faith;

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

If you think “the world” (as in media and pop culture) doesn’t know what love is, you might imagine that, the world of faith traditions, would, at minimum, with a verse like this, have at least a reference point in terms of what love is.

But from history, recent news and direct experience, in about 98.9% of cases, you’d be wrong.

Please consider a closer look at what is probably the least noted section; “love keeps no records of wrongs”.

Keeping “score” of wrongs – or “rights” (in either sense of the word) is, to put it simply, not what love looks like.

We in the 2020s seem stranded in a perpetual “transactional” mindset.

“What’s in it for me?” is the first principle of almost every public measurably “successful” person.

Whether in politics or business, “me first” as a guiding rule, has been the unyielding organizing force for prominence, power and wealth.

And, as most parents know all too well, this is also the primary motivating force for most toddlers.

You may have heard of the term “adulting”. Adulting is difficult. Toddlering is simple.

Toddlering comes naturally and, at least in the world of most of us, is universally adaptable to every situation.

From romantic relationships, to corporate boardrooms to the highest offices in the land, toddlering, with frequent public tantrums, seems to be how the system works.

Keeping score is an essential aspect of toddlering; implied or expressed, a transaction is expected to be completed.

Oddly enough, virtually nothing in life works like this. From household pets to weather to physical health, to true friendship, trust and respect are not so much “earned” as lived into.

Among my friends, for example, I give them things, help them with projects and they do the same. No one keeps track.

In fact I would only “keep score” or keep track if I, at a basic level, did not trust that person.

Consider the basic principles of toddlering – and how often you see them at work in the world.

From blaming to evasion to making excuses to outright lying, (in spite of often obvious contradictory evidence) how many public figures could you count as practitioners of toddlering?

It is, in some circles apparently, something like a set of required job skills.

Up until recently, those who acted like toddlers in public were restrained – and usually shamed into keeping their passions, feuds and obsessions discrete and out of sight. But now the professional toddlers among us seem as proud as any literal toddler might be when they have gotten away with stealing cookies.

Career toddlers never forget to remind us (or is it themselves?) how “right” they are. Even, as some of us have noticed, when they are not.

And, of course, they are quick to demand the “right” to express themselves, make their own decisions and avoid responsibility – even as they actively – and publicly – work to deny those same “rights” to others.

Keeping “score” is what you need to do when you know (usually from experience) that you cannot afford to trust your partner.

A relationship based on an obligatory “balance sheet” is a barren relationship – at best. What could be, or had been, a relationship becomes just another marketplace where every item or action has its assigned cost and value.

In that system, everything is negotiable – continuously.

In a healthy relationship, trust, respect, cooperation, memories and yes, love, are not parsed out, measured and defined.

Points are accumulated and counted in games or tests – not relationships.

Somehow in our era, relationships have become just another terrain for contention, for argument, for presenting evidence.

I have little interest in such relationships – or such a world.

For better or worse, I would prefer to live a life free of evidence, of receipts or needing to “prove” anything.

I find it difficult to believe that anyone, as they are dying, would take any consolation in the belief that they were “right” about everything.

From theology to politics to favorite music or car manufacturers, does anyone really believe those are the benchmarks of a life well-lived?

How about these observations from the American philosopher and writer Ralph Waldo Emerson: Successful is the person who has lived well, laughed often and loved much, who has gained the respect of children, who leaves the world better than they found it, who has never lacked appreciation for the earth’s beauty, who never fails to look for the best in others or give the best of themselves.

Or this;

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

If you have known anyone who demands to be “right” about everything, you know that they live by one dominating principle; they must be “right” and others must be “wrong”.

The irony is that no one in this perpetual circle of judgment is improved or convinced. No one is assured, affirmed or consoled.

In fact in a setting like this, no one is safe. Every opinion or position is questioned or suspect.

Are any of us to feel better about ourselves or the relationship, if one person is forever, unquestionably “right” and others are, loudly and publicly proclaimed as “wrong”?

This is, to anyone who observes it, the beginning, the operating theater and final scene of an abusive relationship.

There is, and will be, nothing healthy and strong about this.

It has been said that dogs and children are the best judges of character.

They might not put it into words, but they know…

When it comes to any kind of eternal or divine judgment, we can only hope that the criteria is more along the lines of dogs and children than the legalists so eager to condemn us all.

And I hope I am “right” about that.